the time i decided to look up PA school

checking out PA school taught me a few things:

1. you have to volunteer.  Less than 2,000+ hours? they won't give you a second glance. where will i volunteer-peace corps?
2. you have to take organic chemistry and get an a.- can i do that and be an RA?
3. $75,000+ how?
4. 26+ months of insanity
5. average age of admittance is 27.  what will I do until then?
6. learning so much more about medicine, the human body and God's creativity.

worth it?

time to pray.

11 December 2011

Music has an interesting way of bonding people.

Some of my fondest memories are in

the choir room of Reynolds
the living room in my parents' house
Mafinga Baptist Church, Mafinga Tanzania
All state choir, Eugene, Oregon
Hosanna, Whitworth

all of these things hold special memories in my heart.

Today, another special memory was made in the Martin Woldson theatre at the Fox in Downtown Spokane.  Today, over a thousand people came to hear us.  127 singers.  12 instrumentalists.  3 directors.  Even the people that had no knowledge of music could tell it was a special time.

Sweat + time + tears + frustration + passion = music.

and it's ALL worth it :)

The week I accidentally let myself get too stressed to sleep therefore everything became a huge deal.

My heart and head were feeling like this

because these past few days have been a whirlwind.

whirlwinds don't usually care what is standing in its' way.  They do not care how sturdy the structure or how long it's been there. But they never last forever.

Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."--Matthew 16:23

Often I think about this verse and what Jesus meant.  I don't think he was actually calling Peter Satan.  But what did Jesus mean?  I have heard other people say this when they are tempted.  Hearing others say that made my Baptist-background-self a little uncomfortable, categorizing it as just a little too charismatic. 

But these last few days have got me thinking about telling Satan to get behind me.  Maybe when Satan is in front of me I am focusing on the things of men.  Maybe he tries to get in front to try to block out God like the moon blocks the sun in a solar eclipse: 

It may look really cool or I may not even notice, but what I long for has been covered up by darkness.  Things are not normal; routine is out of place.  Previously I was a little hesitant when it came to ordering Satan around.  But, God is Lord over all and definitely way more powerful than him. If I set my sights completely, totally on the Creator of the universe, Satan doesn't even have a chance to get in front. 

So 

when healing seems out of reach get behind me Satan; You are the God of healing.

when chemistry is impossible get behind me Satan; You are the God of knowledge.

when hearts get broken and threaten to cave in get behind me Satan; You heal the broken-hearted.

when storms come get behind me Satan; You calm the raging seas.

when home seems very far away get behind me Satan; You are all I need.

when it seems that darkness is encroaching get behind me Satan; I will fix my gaze upon You.

God is real, people.


And God is a God of miracles.

some days i just don't feel beautiful.

my hair doesn't turn out right
new red bumps keep appearing
the jeans are a little snugger
and best compliment of the day is "nice....sweatshirt."


i realize that all of those things are really superficial, but how can they not cross my mind when i'm constantly surrounded by it?
determination is key. confidence is key.

but sometimes, all i want is for someone to delight in me.
faith is key. perseverance is key.

the king is enthralled by your beauty
honor him
for he is your lord
psalm 45:11


i let myself get blinded by shallow desires and thinking i don't fit perfectly in this perfect little description of "beautiful" that i've come up with. that being said, i don't think i honored jesus with my thoughts today.  they were all about my faults. my thoughts should be full of praise that despite my mess, the King is enthralled with me.  This perfect, holy One takes delight in little spotted me.  He didn't have to do that. i should crave that kind of affection.

You are holy
You are mighty
You are worthy
You are beauty.

this is latifa. 

some days i forget about my experiences or my passions or the things i want to accomplish or the burdens the Lord has put on my heart.  but not days like today.  not when i start the day with swahili and sing an african song in choir and look at my computer desktop and see her face.  not days when i reach into my bag and see the letter akila wrote to me, amy and "aliana."

on days like today, all i want to do is hold latifa and sing mungu ni mwema.

sometimes i just want to be here:

I don't want to be in rich private college.  I don't want to drop 50 bucks on gas like it's nothing.  I don't want to sit still and do nothing.  I want to go.  I want my nose to be filled with the smell of dirt mixed with body odor and fire and hard work. 

Patience.

time.

"time is an illusion" -Douglas Adams

I've always been obsessed with time.

Do I have enough time? What time is it? How much time is left? What time are you coming over?  How long are we hanging out?  How long will it take? What time does it start? Am I running out of time?

I constantly wear a watch.

I have always been in competition with myself.  No matter what it is: Can I eat healthier today then yesterday?  Can I run faster/longer/harder than last time?  Can I be a better friend? Can I be more efficient than last time? Did I use my time most effectively?

The sound of silence plus a ticking clock is one of the most relaxing sounds my ears can hear.

Go ahead, call me crazy.

I am a quarter of the way done with my sophomore year of college.  My mind automatically thinks: I'm almost halfway done. More time gone than left.  I also have to declare my major. Real soon.  I don't have much time to decide.

I am surrounded by people counting down for things: weddings, births, graduations, christmas, leaving the country, next visits, hours until midterms...etc.  Circumstances have caused me to think about time even more than normal; in a different way than normal.

Ever wonder about time spent on earth? Of course you do. I think about papaw buck and papaw branch, elmer, quilla, nick, lola, chance, lauren, vikki, my grandma.  I think about how extravagantly each one of them lived their lives; how well they spent their time.  My time is not spent extravagantly.  Something must change.

Quality time is my biggest love language.

I'm not super positive what I want to do with my life.  I feel pretty stinkin' strongly that God has called me to live a life overseas.  At this point that means majoring in nursing and hopefully minoring in community development and transformation.  Where will I go? I don't know.  What will I do? I don't know.  Who will I meet? I don't know.  How long will I be there? I don't know.  How soon do I have to make my decision? I don't know.

What do I know? God is a God that knows no time. He was, and is, and is to come.  And I can rest in that.

It is not time to worry.

What is it time for?
Time to seek the Lord.