starting over.

I haven't said much these last few weeks.  I've been thinking.  But there is only so much silence my extroverted self can handle :)

I'm in the process of reading a book to "refuel" my quiet time--what I call the time I spend deep in thought, in prayer, reading or writing, all with the main goal of deepening my relationship with Jesus.  

Lately I've felt like my communication with God hasn't been the most efficient.  So I took a trip to the Christian bookstore.  This small, red book with the words "REFUEL" on it seemed to jump out at me.  So, I picked it up and have been working my way through it.  The author, Doug Fields, says there are three keys to having an effective quiet time: be quiet, be still, and make a connection. The book encourages taking small moments throughout the day to pause and give God glory.   I don't want to rewrite the book, so if it seems interesting check it out.  Anyway, this book has really helped me.  I felt pressure to wake up at 6am and spend hours in prayer and studying the word before my day starts.  I felt pressure to go to bed late because I was thanking God for all of His goodness throughout the day.  Well, it was too much pressure for me.  

I felt as though I weighed 600 pounds and was told to go run a marathon.  Highly impractical.

Now, before you freak out that I am no longer committed to improving my relationship with Christ.  All I'm saying is that I'm starting over.  I want to be able to get up in the morning or stay up late and spend long amounts of time in reverence to the One who created me.  But unfortunately I didn't schedule it in.  A relationship takes work.  It takes re-evaluating.  It takes sacrificing little (or big) parts of one's time, gifts and energy.  But this is a relationship I want to prosper.  I want it more than anything.  It's terrifying to say "more than anything."  Because I know what "anything" implies.  Wanting something more than "anything" means giving up control and ownership of the people I love in order to give glory to Him who I love most.  It's a constant struggle for me to love God more than my family and close friends.  But ignoring time with God doesn't help me love Him more than them, and I recognize that.

So I'm starting over.  I'm starting with the small, quiet moments of being quiet and still and making a connection of thanks with Almighty.  The short moments are turning into long moments which are turning into even longer moments which are turning into a thankful and grateful heart.

I don't like starting over.  But discipline starts small.  Trust starts small.  Initiative starts small.  Patience starts small.  And as I grow, these traits will grow.  

I really do want this more than anything.  

independence

Am I allowed to wear snow boots when it is April (well, technically May now) and not snowing?

yes.

Sometimes it's the small things.

Sitting with my bible on my lap doesn't help me know the Word better. I can pray all I want, but to know, really KNOW the Word, I need to read it. And understand it. And question it. And remember it. And meditate on it. And memorize it. And apply it.

I guess I better open it.

Four days of Happiness

I get this happy feeling that makes me tingle all over.

I spent approximately 72 hours seeing some of my favorite people all in the same city.  There are four of us.  We are loud, quiet, disciplined, scattered, nervous, confident, silly, goofy and loving.  They are the kind of people that make getting up early to go to the gym possible!  It's safe to say that we were all pretty nervous about spending that much time together.  But we made it--and loved it.  We lounged around, had intense conversations with my parents, walked around Portland, prayed together, discovered new parts of ourselves and our friendships, sang song after song, and ate the most amount of food.  It was amazing to see them embrace what I love most in life with open arms.  They didn't shy away from my  unique family.  They didn't get too uncomfortable with the hours of singing.  They allowed themselves to be introduced to new people and hugged by strangers.  The main thing that stuck out to me is that they did not make me have to choose which world I wanted, even though I was currently in Gresham.  They understood how much my heart is divided into layers; not sections.  I did not feel conflicted or at war or like I was doing this balancing act by having them there.  It just felt so complete and wonderful and made me so, so stinkin' happy.

I got to hang out with my favorite 7 year old.  We just understand each other.  It is amazing how she grows so much even when I am gone for only two weeks.  I cannot wait to see what incredible things she does with her life.  I was nervous about running 6 miles.  Real nervous.  But Jenn and I got back into the familiar routine of breathing, talking, laughing, jamming and the 6 miles hardly mattered any more.  Add to it the fact that our running posse expanded; I was floating with happiness.

The Easter choir was phenomenal.  They were so full of love and praise, I had so much trouble staying in my seat! The mixed ages were great.  The harmonies were so tight.  The spirit was just so evidently there.  It is fun to see all the hours of work and collaboration my parents and others put into the weekend.  They really make magic happen.  (is it sacrilegious to talk about church being magical when I firmly believe in the power of the Holy Spirit? Maybe I should say "magic" instead.) It is so lovely to see others choose to follow God above themselves.  I know part of it was because of the obedience and willingness of others.  And then they played Glorious Day, one of my favorite songs.  My voice fluttered with happiness.

Today for our one a month, the RA team became a roller posse.  Meaning, we all got on our perspective "wheels" (scooter, roller blades, long board, bike, tandem bike) and rolled all around campus.  The sun was out, most of us wore flip flops and we just laughed and laughed and laughed as we rolled around in the sunshine.  It was so carefree.  Nothing about the past or the future mattered because we were all together having glorious fun.   To finish off the ride we stopped at Jack in the Box for some french fries and hot seat.  We are such a different group of people, yet we can have fun with wheels and french fries and just talking.  My peddling feet, my wobbly balance and my liberally-braking hands could not contain the happiness that was all around me.

Needless to say, these past few days have been a complete blessing.  And, did I mention, the sun came out today?

I have never understood the passing of time.

Sometimes the day feels so long it's as though I have experienced a few lifetimes before sunset.
Other times I am caught up in life and responsibilities and relationships that I miss sunset after sunset, after sunset.

And so it has been two years.

Before:

it feels like time is crawling, creeping, dragging by.  It's as though the sun sees right through my tanned skin to my tender heart and promises to slow down time.  It feels like the sun is my enemy, refusing to set and let another day start.


I beg for months for the promise of Psalm 40 to be fulfilled in me.  But instead of finding a firm place to stand, I only feel the ground beneath me give way, plunging further into the earth.  Some days I begin the process of stitching my heart back together.  Then the memories come flooding in and I drop my needle; The stitches come out, failing to mend my broken heart.  The pit grows deeper.

Finally darkness comes, but sleep doesn't.  It's that terrible feeling of desperate desire to be in a different world, yet dreading the moment eyes open to a new day: twelve more hours of antagonizing sunlight.

The fight to sleep or not takes all night.  In the morning I refrain from looking out the window, from hearing the ever-so-regular thought of today will not provide relief. I swear that today will not be as bad as yesterday. I swear that the pit will not get deeper.  That I will climb to solid ground. I swear that the stitches on my heart will hold. I smile at the thought of stability.

Then I look in the mirror, at the gaunt, hollow girl with sad eyes and a too-thin-waist.  Climb, girl.  Find solid ground.


It's impossible not to look out the window.  I remember when sunlight meant warmth, playing, joy.  Now I have the ability to only see shadows.  I see the sun and cringe at the nagging, angry, forceful voice that chides at me.  I look at the ground.  Climb, girl.  Find solid ground. 

By evening I am exhausted.  With every moment my mind is elsewhere; on what could have been.  I look for messages.  I glance towards the door.  Still, nothing has changed.  My stomach churns with the realization that this might be my new reality.

I look at the window.  The sun begins its deep-chested laugh.  Starting as a low and quiet growl, ending as a loud, fierce scream that pierces my heart.   I do not feel the dull pain of a sprain.  I feel the sharp, pointed pain of a fracture; I am broken.  My heart is broken. Climb, girl.  Do not lose your footing.  The laughter stops.

I close the blinds.  Climb.  I shut my eyes.  Reach.  With each inhale I cry, I need a song of Praise.  With each exhale I cry, I need a song of Praise. Climb.  Reach.  Hold.  Please, give me a song of Praise.  Climb.  Reach.  Hold.  Climb!  I can't climb any longer.  Reach!  I don't know where to reach.  Hold!  I'm too weak to hold.  Lift me out of the pit, O God.  


I open my eyes and darkness has come.  For the first time in too long, I did not hear the sun fighting its way through sunset.  The stitches of my heart had not come undone.

After:

Sleep came that night without a second thought.  In the morning the girl in the mirror was still gaunt, still too thin.  But after a few minutes the corner of her mouth twitched up into a soft smile.  Courage that hadn't appeared in months suddenly surfaced.  I walked to the blinds.  Slowly, I turned them open.

I peered through the window into the daylight.  I heard only the sound of nearby cars.  I stared at the silent sky.  For the first time in too long, I did not say climb.


I said hello. 


And so it has been two years.

At first I could only barely utter a one-word prayer and each day felt like eternity.  Then one word turned to two, then a sentence, then a paragraph.  And eventually I stopped noticing the sunsets.  It took awhile to notice, but He did hear my cry.  When I couldn't climb or reach or hold, He lifted me out of the pit.

I am at a place where I can see the beauty of sunsets and sing a song of Praise.  My feet now run on this solid ground.

I turn my face to the sun and drink in its warmth.

When is it the right time to make a big deal of something?
When is it proper to begin stressing out?
When do you start saying, "in reality, this does not matter that much."

How about now.

I just...I don't understand midterms and homework assignments in the same week.

Don't worry, mom. I'll still do my homework.  I just won't be that happy about it.

My life will mean something.

Whitworth University:
We are students, faculty, staff and family 3,000 in number.
We are educated.
We have a wide variety of passions.
Don't tell me we won't make a difference.


Diva Planet:
We are 34 bold, fierce, passionate, growing women.
We have the ability to make a difference.
We are almost three times bigger than the apostles.
Don't tell me we can't make a difference.


I have goals, dreams and intention.
I am alone, I am surrounded.
I have an intentional call from an intentional God.


Do not tell me I won't make a difference.


For those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved.

You know you're excited to see your dad and sister when you rearrange and clean your room, spend a few hours watching the clock, do laundry, fix your nails, and shower. So much excitement!!

and the list never ends..

I should be reading.
I should be studying.
I should be preparing.
I should be meeting.
I should be envisioning the future.
I should be getting ahead.
I should be taking notes.
I should have an easier time with this.

But instead, I think I should sleep.

teach me how to see you

for real.

show me how to love you

once more.

that overwhelming feeling that comes sometimes; late at night.

hear the high-pitched giggles of happy girls in the hallway.
read valentine's cards and notes from a vast spectrum of friends.
receive a message that makes your heart smile.
watch chocolat and eat so much chocolate.
learn of devastating news.
feel accomplished after hard work pays off.
papers, labs, pre-labs, chapters upon chapters.
hot tea to calm a sore throat and refresh a tired body.
live vicariously through the romances of others.
be content with who i am.
continue to dream about what love is like.
eat more chocolate.
rest in the knowledge that God holds the future.
want to drop everything and read for pleasure.
over think conversations.
try to get my heart back from different states and countries.
realize it's not going to happen anytime soon.
breathe deeply.
choose joy.

Valentine's Day 2012

My friend Whitney came from out of town to hang out with me for a few days during Jan-term break.  Whitney was my RA last year and we got pretty tight, so it was really nice to be reunited with her.  We are the kind of friends that can talk for hours and just be content hanging out.  Thursday morning we were sitting at a coffee shop and decided to be adventurous instead of chill.  So we made a list, grabbed our keys and got to it!

 this was our guide to fun.  

We didn't quite conquer everything

but had tons of fun anyway!

Take a looksie:

We made our friend in the grocery store.  She told us to keep the tags on the sunglasses we were buying and start a new fashion trend.  We really wanted to find her again, but ended up moving on to our next adventure.  Maybe she'll start a fashion trend of her own someday?

Downtown Spokane is an interesting place.  There are random pictures painted on the sides of buildings, super out-of-place thrift stores and a ton of churches.  

We made it through downtown Coeur D'alene in about 10 minutes.  Small place.

This porta=potty was a pretty spectacular blessing as to both of us needed one really badly and it showed up right when we needed it to! 

Our time was concluded with maybe not the smartest choice: the "stand outside with shoes off" goal on our list turned into "run through the icy snow and take a picture with the cool colorful things and run back" which actually turned into five seconds of fun followed by about three minutes of pure misery.   We are smiling in these pictures, but it is totally fake. We are actually saying "this was so stupid this was so dumb what where we thinking!?"

  In this final picture of our feet we are not smiling.  We are actually weeping from the pain.  

Adventures make life worth living! Thanks for coming, Whit. :)

Shannon, the ice skating teacher from Eagles Ice Arena, started with a bunch of uncoordinated kids who could barely skate 3 feet without falling, couldn't go backwards and certainly couldn't skate on one leg.  After 3 weeks and a ton of patience, she turned us into a class who could perform a routine!!

Jan-term MAGIC :)

click here to see the routine!

Our daddies are the best

Annmarie's car died yesterday.  Today, we tried to jump it.  After 30 minutes, with the help of two boys and written instructions, we had no luck.  Then we called our dads.  10 minutes later, with no written instructions and no boys, her Subaru Outback started right up!

Moral of the story: Our dads are the only men in our lives right now, and we are okay with that :)

For some strange reason I volunteered to play with 2 dogs from the Humane Society for THREE HOURS during primetime.  It reminded me of how much I do not enjoy animals that are not Annie.

I was also the GOALIE during hockey.  ICE HOCKEY.  It reminded me of that time during 5 v 5 soccer when I was the goalie and the other team scored like ten goals on me.  Because I didn't know I could use my hands; the first and last time I was ever goalie.  Until today.

It's been a stretching 24 hours, I'd say.

Special people

Some people are in your life whether you like it or not.  Often times they come in the form of obnoxious  sopranos warming up in the middle of the room just to be sure everyone hears her.  Other times they come in the form of that person that just...keeps...talking.  Maybe they come in the form of stupid Whitman Men's basketball team who just make life as a Whitworth Pirate SO difficult (by winning the basketball game tonight, making it only our second home loss in many years).  They may come in the form of know-it-alls or cry-a-lots.  Or they might come in the form of a coach who just doesn't treat his players right.

And then there are the people who make you wonder what life was like before knowing them.  Those people come in the form of beautiful roommates who are very wise.  They also come in the form of silly, goofy, out of control high school boys who, even though they make you question everything you believe, teach you a lot about love.  They come in the form of 26 year old rockstars named Emily and Sharon who inspire big dreams and help make sense of the world.  They come in the form of passionate people like Lance and Jennifer.  They come in the form of a mom, dad, sister and brother who are more solid friends than anything else.  They come in the form of discipleship group-turned-family who never get tired of stories, even after 8 years.  They come in the form of friends you prayed desperately for and finally showed up in the form of a soccer player who is dedicated in every aspect of her life.  They come in the form of Diva Planet who bring so much life and joy and make me excited every day to see how these women are going to change the world.

Sometimes you can't pick who is in your life and it sucks; but sometimes you can't pick because God has someone specific in mind to bless you with :)

frieda mae

Frieda Mae became the boss on August 2, 1918

In a time where most girls her age desired only to be a housewife
She had dreams.
Big, world-changing dreams.

Frieda Mae turned a rowdy, boisterous, drinkin' man
Into a strong, God-fearing, leader man.
She had faith.
Unchanging, mustard-seed faith.

Frieda Mae raised children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren
and numerous friends.
She had patience.
Enduring, loving, patience.

Frieda Mae had her way
and no one else's.
She was bossy.
Incredibly, unbelievably bossy.
It was how she said "I love you."

Frieda Mae would call Sundays at 2
We would call Wednesday evenings.
She would send her cards
the first week of the month.
She was consistent.
Completely, steadily consistent.

Frieda Mae was 5-foot-2-and-shrinking
with all the gusto (and some) of a giant.
She would make even the 6-foot boys
sit on her lap
and scratch our itchy backs.
She was kind.
Easily, thoroughly kind.

Frieda Mae lived through the great depression
World War II
Vietnam War
and a lot of the War in Iraq.
She lived through the deaths of her
mother
father
sisters
husband
son.
She had strength.
Courageous, mighty, strength.

Frieda Mae knew the importance of saving money
but nothing was as important as following God's call.
Because of that commitment to the Lord,

She was selfless.
Jesus-inspired, unashamedly selfless.


Frieda Mae would listen
to everything anyone would care to say.
She remembered
people, places, faces and events
even if she wasn't there.
She had this compassion
unlike most people.
She could understand and relate to emotions
others would easily overlook.
She took initiative
even when she was afraid.

Frieda Mae has this kind of love
that did not change
based on our actions or words.
She had love like Jesus.

Frieda Mae wasn't even sick
Just slipped while taking care of
a precious baby.
and she went to be with Jesus
(just like she did everything else
in her life)
when she wanted to.

Frieda Mae left this world on January 7, 2011 for a much better one.  She was reunited with her love, son, family and Savior.  Given the choice, she wouldn't come back.  That statement shouldn't sound harsh.  Because while this life has a lot of great moments, it is nothing compared to the joy of spending eternity with Jesus.

2011 was, to say the least, not my favorite year.

I'd really, really like to complain about how the year started bad, ended bad, and along the way, was bad.  I'd like to use big words to describe how unfortunate it all was.  I'd like to list them all and talk about the terrible timing of it all.

But I can't.

Because when it comes down to it, God is God and I am not.  Throughout it all, He remained faithful.  Even when things were changing and lives were crumbling and hope was dwindling, His love for me never lessened; His plan for me never went away; His saving grace did not fade.

Because even in the midst of pain

a dear one came to know Him personally
a friend was healed in a miraculous way
crossed paths with some incredible women
and of course beyonce got pregnant :)

if 2011 taught me anything, it was that regardless of
 happy
 sad
 pain
 joy
 sorrow
 delight
 frustration
excitement

 To God be the Glory.