some days i just don't feel beautiful.

my hair doesn't turn out right
new red bumps keep appearing
the jeans are a little snugger
and best compliment of the day is "nice....sweatshirt."


i realize that all of those things are really superficial, but how can they not cross my mind when i'm constantly surrounded by it?
determination is key. confidence is key.

but sometimes, all i want is for someone to delight in me.
faith is key. perseverance is key.

the king is enthralled by your beauty
honor him
for he is your lord
psalm 45:11


i let myself get blinded by shallow desires and thinking i don't fit perfectly in this perfect little description of "beautiful" that i've come up with. that being said, i don't think i honored jesus with my thoughts today.  they were all about my faults. my thoughts should be full of praise that despite my mess, the King is enthralled with me.  This perfect, holy One takes delight in little spotted me.  He didn't have to do that. i should crave that kind of affection.

You are holy
You are mighty
You are worthy
You are beauty.

this is latifa. 

some days i forget about my experiences or my passions or the things i want to accomplish or the burdens the Lord has put on my heart.  but not days like today.  not when i start the day with swahili and sing an african song in choir and look at my computer desktop and see her face.  not days when i reach into my bag and see the letter akila wrote to me, amy and "aliana."

on days like today, all i want to do is hold latifa and sing mungu ni mwema.

sometimes i just want to be here:

I don't want to be in rich private college.  I don't want to drop 50 bucks on gas like it's nothing.  I don't want to sit still and do nothing.  I want to go.  I want my nose to be filled with the smell of dirt mixed with body odor and fire and hard work. 

Patience.

time.

"time is an illusion" -Douglas Adams

I've always been obsessed with time.

Do I have enough time? What time is it? How much time is left? What time are you coming over?  How long are we hanging out?  How long will it take? What time does it start? Am I running out of time?

I constantly wear a watch.

I have always been in competition with myself.  No matter what it is: Can I eat healthier today then yesterday?  Can I run faster/longer/harder than last time?  Can I be a better friend? Can I be more efficient than last time? Did I use my time most effectively?

The sound of silence plus a ticking clock is one of the most relaxing sounds my ears can hear.

Go ahead, call me crazy.

I am a quarter of the way done with my sophomore year of college.  My mind automatically thinks: I'm almost halfway done. More time gone than left.  I also have to declare my major. Real soon.  I don't have much time to decide.

I am surrounded by people counting down for things: weddings, births, graduations, christmas, leaving the country, next visits, hours until midterms...etc.  Circumstances have caused me to think about time even more than normal; in a different way than normal.

Ever wonder about time spent on earth? Of course you do. I think about papaw buck and papaw branch, elmer, quilla, nick, lola, chance, lauren, vikki, my grandma.  I think about how extravagantly each one of them lived their lives; how well they spent their time.  My time is not spent extravagantly.  Something must change.

Quality time is my biggest love language.

I'm not super positive what I want to do with my life.  I feel pretty stinkin' strongly that God has called me to live a life overseas.  At this point that means majoring in nursing and hopefully minoring in community development and transformation.  Where will I go? I don't know.  What will I do? I don't know.  Who will I meet? I don't know.  How long will I be there? I don't know.  How soon do I have to make my decision? I don't know.

What do I know? God is a God that knows no time. He was, and is, and is to come.  And I can rest in that.

It is not time to worry.

What is it time for?
Time to seek the Lord.